My Story

I've been working on this for some time, ever since I talked with
pastor Roger a few months ago about baptism.  So it means a lot to me:
this is probably the most important day of my life so far.

I've been working and thinking and praying and I came up with this 10
page thing, that I wanted to lay out on you.  But in the past few
days, I've seen that it's just filled with a lot of the same old
stuff.  In the past few days I've been moved to just pure
thankfulness.  This morning I cried out in thankfulness for the life
of Jesus.  I was simply blown away by the power of it, by the fact of
it: "For God so loved the world...".  I was blown away by the fact
that Jesus wasn't just giving me a chance to come back to life, to be
healed (though that's part of it).  He was giving me something far
greater, a chance to live for the very first time!  A chance to live
the life of the spirit.  So this is not a rebirth.  This is a birth
(pain is involved too!) But I don't know how to express my gratitude
for this birth.  The grace of God is so amazing, so free.  I wonder
why I continually walk away from it.  And when I am thankful here
today, that means that I am thankful for everyone here, because it is
God working through you that makes this possible.  (Also I want to
include thanks to everyone who is here in "spirit": especially some
friends who have always been on the lookout for me: including Steve
and Shannon, Tom and Kris, Olivier and Vilma, John and Luke and
others!).  (Thanks also to some newer friends: Ben, Tad, Jeremy,
Lucas, Craig, Charlie and Mandie, and tons more!!)

This morning I was also thinking of the adulterous woman that Jesus
saved (this story is in John chapter 8).  First he saved her physical
life by saying to those who wanted to stone her: "whoever is without sin,
let him cast the first stone."  And no one condemned her.  Now you
might think, wow, that's pretty cool.  But that's just the
beginning. Jesus is just getting warmed up. Next he gives her the true
gift: He gives her a chance to live the life of the spirit saying:
"Neither do I condemn you, Go now and leave your life of sin."  I was
blown away this morning, (I really am a little slow at this!)  because
I realized that today I am standing in the place of that woman.  I am
the one who is living a life of sin.  But by no act of my own, I am
not condemned.  And not only that!  That is only the beginning.  God
has laid out a path for me to walk which is, if I can abide in his
grace and have faith in him, free of sin.  And not just a life without
sin, but a life of freedom and of light! That is simply awesome.

OK you might be wondering: "right, whatever, how can that happen,
what is this sin business anyway? It's just unbelievable!" I hear you.

So now I've got to tell you my story, so maybe it might make some
sense what I'm saying. I pray for that.  When I look back on my life,
I am just amazed.  I am amazed that God has been working through my
whole life, bringing unbelievable grace and miracles into it -- things
that I have, for the most part not seen!  I want to show you how my
life was like the life of that woman, and how, by the miracle of God's
grace I am saved, and why I am choosing to leave my life of sin, why I
am choosing to do everything I can to get to the place where God can
work in me.

So I was born, and my parents took good care of me. That's
huge. Life is such a precious gift. Thanks number one.  My mom took me to
church when I was young and I was exposed to my grandmother's faith.
That's also huge. Many thanks there. That is the beginning that made it
possible to find my way home -- eventually.  But when I was young I
never really got it.  I think God planted a seed in me, but he wanted
me to see more of the world, to struggle more, and face more darkness,
so that in the end I would love him more and would see even more
clearly how precious He is.

And I did struggle and suffer. When I was ten, my parents were
divorced, and that event overwhelmed me. When my father remarried I
didn't know how to deal with having two mothers.  Lydia did her best
to love and care for me, but I couldn't relate to her, so that was a
difficult time for us. I'm sure she remembers! (During that time my
mom and I were at the airola's a lot and they took care of us --
they're here -- thanks!)  So I never really felt close to my parents
(the three of them).  But now through the grace of God, I feel like
our relationship is growing (they're all here!) And even
though things might not be perfect, I want them to know how much I
love them. And whatever I have done in the past that has hurt my
family, I ask for forgiveness, and at the same time where I was hurt,
I want to forgive.

OK I'm off track! back to the story.

You have to know that, even though I went to church when I was young,
I have really been an atheist my whole life. And even though I've had
my back turned to God almost the whole time, he was still loving me!
I didn't realize that all through my life, the endless seeking and
questioning: "Why am I here?", "What am I doing?", "How do I find
joy", "Where is the meaning?" were calls from God. I actually spent my
whole life seeking God.  In school I sought him in my studies, but I
didn't find meaning there; I didn't find him there. After college I
joined the peace corps. I went to Nepal and suffered mightily and in
vain, searching for meaning. (I thought I would meet wise old monks in
the mountains, and do great service and learn the truth finally).  But
I didn't find anything lasting there. I came home an empty shell, I
was spiritually empty.  I still denied God.  At that point I had given
up searching and was basically living selfishly.  Even though on the
outside I presented myself as happy and capable, on the inside I was
empty, filled only with darkness and despair. I lived a false life for
a false self.

But God was still there, all through it with me!  In Nepal I had a
girlfriend, and we were a ``good couple'' -- I've been told.  But I
was blind then.  She used to take me to catholic mass; She said to me
once, ``Aaron, you must have faith.''  But I refused to see, I was
caught up in the dependency of our relationship. I was too proud to
look for God.

In high school, one of my closest friends, Luke, was a Christian, and
I learned a lot from him and from his family (the hunts, they're here
tonight). Many thanks to them. I used to think to myself "I want to be
like the Hunts" But I never thought that the miracles taking place in
the their lives had anything to do with Christ.  I thought that people
just were the way they were, and that because of my life and my
circumstance, there was no possibility of change.  I thought it was
too late for me; I was too full of doubt, fear, distrust and
skepticism. I was too much of a loner, there was no place for me.
Thank God that has not at all been the case.

OK, so now you're saying, what about the sin? How am I like this
woman?  Because you can't see how a person like me, who basically has
everything, how could I suffer?  I've got to tell you I'm really
good at hiding it inside.

So here it is.  The first thing is pride: I wanted to be admired by
the world and to be looked up to. So I invented a false self, and I
lived for that false self.  The next was fear: I was afraid of people,
and so I didn't reach out, I lived for myself. But the darkest thing
(to me) in my life is lust and my relationships with women -- I didn't
know how to deal with my own sexuality (like a lot of people) and I
thought pornography was fine -- probably I was addicted to it. Though
I did my best to hide it, the reality of my life was that these things
were working together to destroy me. (Paul said that the wages of sin
are death, (that's Romans 6:23) and that truth is very real to
me. Jesus also said that and whoever sins is a slave to sin (John
8:34) and that strikes me too.)  

The point is, we all know what sin is; often we don't want to face
it. In a simple way it's just that feeling of falling short, of not
measuring up, even that feeling of not being able to do ENOUGH.  There
is definitely something that everyone, if they're able to look into
their heart, sees that they shouldn't have done, or wishes that they
would have done.  That really is the "human condition" -- you don't
have to go very far out into the world to see misery and suffering, to
see fear, jealousy, anger, despair, hatred, violence and
oppression. The list goes on. 

BUT. check this out: the miracle is that there is a way out. There is
a way that is beyond suffering, and beyong sin.  That's what
Christians keep going on and on about, that is, what they call, the
good news. It's the best new's I've ever heard.  But, If it's such
good news, why don't people want to hear it?  Well, that's because the
first part of the good news is that your life is a mess.  You have to
face the darkness, before you can see the light.  Also, people see so
much ugliness, that they don't believe change is possible, or real.
They are filled with doubt.  But change is possible.  The world can
change.  It can change one person at time. It can begin with me, and
you.

Ok, I going back to MY story.  At some point in my life, all this
stuff seemed to come to a crisis about a year ago.  I had a bad back
from a car accident, My relationship with my parents was even more
strained than ever, my schoolwork seemed meaningless. I felt like my
life was just getting worse. I felt like I was on the way out.  But it
was just at that point that miracles started taking place -- things
having nothing to do with me.

At that time, by God's grace, Luke came back into my life and we had a
chance to rebuild our friendship (that is the amazing miracle of
grace!)  Luke took me to church a few times and I was amazed by the
experience.  I felt like the sermon was always directed at me, that
the pastor was speaking directly to me, and always I wept.  I think
the stored up guilt and pain of the past were starting to wash out
through the tears. 

At that time I also started reading my Bible (though not very
seriously).  This was a Bible that high school friends (Tony Somero,
Faith Watson and Laura Lucht) gave me with the inscription: ``Aaron,
don't give up until you find what you're looking for''. It was
dedicated with a verse, Corinthians 4:13: ``I can do everything
through Him who gives me strength.''  This was an amazing gift.  I'd
kept this Bible around for over ten years without once looking at it
seriously -- and now God was calling me through it. (So to those of
you don't see progress in what you are doing, be patient and have
faith, God is working!) praise God!

And while God was really helping me out, he was also bringing me back
to the places where I was falling short (as he does with everyone!)
At that time I was feeling good, studying Buddhism, doing yoga and
whatever, but I still didn't want God.  So I got attached in a
relationship again, and went through the whole cycle of desire and
despair.  But this time I realized that something was really wrong,
really broken and I wasn't going to fix it myself. At that time I
finally, came to the realization that I wasn't making it on my own. I
needed something else. I needed God.

But because I didn't trust people, I just read the Bible. I started
reading the gospel, and in my Bible the words of Jesus are red, so
that's what I read, mostly the red.  Reading those words was
amazing. I was absolutely convicted by the truth in them.  I read in
the back of the Bible and it told me what I had to do to become a
Christian, but I didn't like it.  It seemed like just a formula and I
was still pretty stubborn (I wanted it to conform to what I wanted and
not the other way round!)  But I did cry out to God to save me.  Which
is an essential beginning.  Because it says, look, here I am, I'm
tired, I'm worn out, I'm broken, I tried to make it on my own, but it
just didn't happen.  I'm going to rely on you God, (if you're real). I
give it up to you!  After that it did not take very long all, for God
to become very real to me.  I started studying, reaching out,
searching and looking, and I found some amazing people who had some
amazing relationships with God.  In my studies, I found people like,
King David, King Solomon, the Apostle Paul, and other biblical folks.
I found contemporary Christians, Thomas Merton, Philip Yancey, Martin
Luther King, Ghandi, C.S. Lewis, who spoke to me deeply

I realized I had to get out and get involved with some real people who
were building relationships with God.  It seemed like as soon as I
asked Christ into my life, he was already asking me to take the next
step.  I realized that I needed to belong to a community. As pastor
Jason says, I wasn't going to make it as a "lone-ranger".  Here God
was asking me to do what seemed impossible (again!).  I had to step
out in faith and join a community. But everything that was still
weighing on me, I didn't want anyone to see that.  I was still
ashamed.  I felt that God could not love me.

Fortunately, that is not true at all! God's love is so vast, it is
beyond what we could possibly imagine. God gave me just enough
courage, and I was inspired by other Christians (including my sister
Lili (who is here with her family), my Grandma Findley, My aunts and
Uncles: Helen, Cecil, Margie and Dick, the Hunts, Tad, my mother
Lydia, my mother Elaine). I went looking for a church in Santa Cruz,
but I didn't find one that spoke to me.  All along I had been walking
past this plain unassuming church, called the Christian life center,
right next to my apartment, with a ratty bus out in front.  I somehow
got the feeling: this church has the real deal going on: it's nothing
fancy, just a church.  It seemed like they were probably focused on
the inside, not the appearance -- they probably wouldn't care what I
looked like.  But also it scared me.  I thought to myself they'll see
who I am!  But also I thought, Jesus hung out with some pretty
miserable folks. So I thought, ``OK, this is his house. I'll be
welcome here.''  And it was awesome.  I saw people I knew.  I felt
God's love. I heard an awesome sermon; pastor Jason spoke about peace.
A peace I needed. I saw Jeremey Pincosy who I knew from campus and he
invited me to a program called realtime.  At realtime I met some
awesome folks: Pastor Roger, Sean, Tyler, Jeremy, Amber, Lucas, tons
of awesome folks. They really reached out to me, they're still
reaching out to me -- which is pretty impressive because I still have
a pretty serious wall up: I thank them for helping me to start
breaking it down.  I pray that the old barriers will continue to come
down.

I kept going to Realtime. I was amazed that the members of this group
did so much of the work in presenting, I was amazed at their
expression, commitment, passion, and creativity.  I was amazed at the
work that God was doing in them, his light that was shining through
them.  Pastor Chris spoke once as a guest speaker and he spoke about
sexual maturity.  It was the very message I needed to hear.

Recently I've started going to the men's Bible study in the morning,
stepping out in faith a little more.  I've been rewarded by some great
fellowship with some truly awesome guys: Craig, Chris, Brian, Rich, John,
Keith, and Craig, all these guys devoted to and committed to Jesus
through grace. What a great group of men.

I have learned and grown a lot at CLC.  And I look at this as just the
beginning.  But I've got to come back to this: none of it is possible
at all without the sacrifice of Jesus, and that's what this is
about. It would not be possible without his death, resurrection and
continued life in the hearts of many people.

I'm not perfect, but I am committed.  And I can see now, just in the
short time since I have committed my life to Christ, how much change
is possible -- I've seen internal changes and I've seen miracles and
answers to prayer.  I see the (steep and narrow) path to liberation.

I just want to close by sharing two things Jesus said which are close
to my heart: He said:

``I am the light of the world.  Whoever follows me will never walk in
darkness, but will have the light of life.'' (John 8:12)

and 

``If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you
will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.'' (John 8:31-32)


So here I have a chance to live the life of the spirit, and to cast
off old ways.  That's what this baptism is to me, the death of an old
life (of sin) and the beginning of a new life: A life of freedom and of
light. I thank Jesus for that gift.